~~On Draconity~~
This is the product of a spontaneous train of thought, not planned out and therefore possibly flawed, silly, or wrong. Therefore, I ask that you be patient as I try to make sense out of all the random thoughts inside of me. It’s basically a catharsis, and it’s not gonna be pretty until I edit it (if I ever get around to doing so). This is also pretty long, so I hope that you have plenty of time and a good attention span. So, with this disclaimer out of the way, I hope you have an interesting time exploring the mind of Christopher “Hyun” Kim.
EDIT 1: Added a paragraph explaining my inability to discern fantasy from reality in the early stages of my awakening, hence damaging my credibility. I try to counter it later in the essay.
Yes, I have made a rant out of this a year ago, and looking back on it, it wasn’t very well done. For one, it didn’t seem to answer any relevant questions like: How did I find my draconity? Why exactly is the POINT of being a dragon and not human? Stuff like that. Good essays should answer three questions, but to heck with all that.
First of all, let’s clear this up.
I am a dragon.
That does not mean: I am a role-playing, on-the-internet dragon.
Neither am I an actual dragon in the flesh, with scales, wings, and claws. I am, in fact, human.
To be precise: I have a human body and a draconic soul. Do we understand? Good.
So… why exactly did I define my draconity right from the start? Primarily, to avoid confusion. I KNOW that people will say, *dumb person impersonation* “Buuut… you’re not a dragon… Yuhs don’t got no claws, no fangs, no nuthin’. Yuh just crazy.” *end dumb person impersonation* I just thought I’d clear that up.
Another reason: it’d be pretty farkin’ hard to type on a keyboard with claws. It’s the claws. They’d pierce the plastic as if it were warm butter.
With that done, we move on to the first question:
How did I discover draconity?
It was in sixth grade, in Mr. Bachrach’s class. Who here remembers independent reading for English? I was reading a book in tandem with Caroline Lewis. The title: The Chrinicles of Narina: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. It was pretty dull the first few chapters until Eustace goes off on his own to explore an island the Dawn Treader landed on. He came almost face-to-face with an aged dragon, and he watched from a safe distance as it died. He then ventured out to examine the dead beast, and noticed something extremely… incredible.
He noticed a cave, filled with gold and treasure from all around.
It was raining pretty heavily, too, so Eustace lost no time getting inside the warm cavern. He was feeling very satisfied because he could practically buy anything he wanted and he could lead a very comfortable life in the world of Narnia. He soon fell asleep in his bliss.
He notices a few strange things when he woke up. He saw two scaly arms with claws on either side of his vision. His left arm hurt. Two thin strings of smoke rose from the center of his vision, when he stopped breathing, the smoke stopped, when he resumed breathing, the smoke started up again. He lost his wits and ran out of the cave. He blamed the resulting clamor on the two sleeping dragons on either side of him, when he realized there were no other dragons in the cave.
He looked into the water and the water reflected back the image of a dragon’s head.
Eustace became a dragon because he fell asleep on a dragon’s hoard, thinking “dragonish thoughts.” It was only natural that his physical transformation would follow his spiritual one. Although Eustace was punished as a result of his greed, somehow the idea stuck in my head: what was it like to be turned into a dragon?
What followed next: I started writing stories where the protagonist was turned into a dragon in an attempt to illustrate… this growing urge within me. I ended up throwing out every draft, the first ones because they were very… they either infringed on copyrights (and blatantly, too). The later ones weren’t quite deep enough from a moral and plot-wise standpoint to satisfy my need of living life as a physical dragon from a character of my creation.
The difference beween the stories and now is my perception of reality. I was extremely drunk under the influence of a hyperactive imagination, and I must be prepared to accept that draconity was introduced to me through callous imagination. If so, draconity means escapism. However, my lines of thought began to change with time. I'll explain later in this essay.
There isn’t a single moment that I remember thinking, “I am human” one second and then “I am dragon” the next. No epiphany. No nothing. The change happened gradually, so gradually I couldn’t place a time and a place on it.
I did feel extremely close with my dragon side during an eighth-grade retreat to the Everglades. It was one week of complete nature, cut off from the distractions of the human world. And it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I HONESTLY felt like I was an actual, physical dragon, the fire burned in me so. The only thing that stopped me from flying off into the night was my human body, still unchanged. The resulting disappointment was heartbreaking. I was SO close during those seven days.
Later, in high school, I started to feel… rather left out. My friends are still friends, but they aren’t quite as close to me as before. I often found myself on the edge of conversations, absent from events where my friends went to, and I’ve almost never been invited to another’s house. Perhaps draconity also bloomed as a result of loneliness. Sad, isn’t it?
Now I don’t pretend to be a dragon in the flesh anymore. I know I’m human, although I may curl my fingers when I’m angry. I’m content with knowing that I’m a dragon inside. Inside, I have claws, fangs, tail, wings, and scales, and that’s all I’ll need.
Second question:
What is the point of being a dragon? In other words, why do I think I’m a dragon?
What is the point indeed. It’s a bit like asking, “What’s the point of being human?” *laughs to self* Let’s see what I can come up with.
Well, there had to be SOMETHING that justified the awakening of my draconic side. I never “transformed” in a sense, because the draconity has simply lain within me, dormant. The fact that I “hatched” about two years before I found a real reason doesn’t have any importance.
Let me put it this way.
The reason I think I’m a dragon is because I despise some aspects of humanity. The problem some dracanthropes (people who think they’re dragons) is that they have a TOTAL hatred for humanity. Two flaws:
1) Have you ever seen a real live dragon? (I mean, no CGI stuff like the Animal Planet special, I mean an actual dragon that walks the earth (or flies in the skies)) Nope. The beings who issue those statements are human themselves in some part, so it’s both egotism and hypocrisy at the same time.
2) By declaring their draconity and rejection of humanity, they are using draconity as a cheap escapism tool. There’s no escaping humans when they’re human themselves. (At first, I used draconity for escapism, too, but for different reasons: to find a way to make sense of these new thoughts inside my head.)
So let me have my say on what’s wrong with humanity.
You see teenagers smoking outside of movie theaters, wasting away in alleys with bottles in paper bags, and generally getting laid frequently. I admit, I could be very biased and unfair with that judgment, but these are behaviors that are only among a few kids, and I NEVER said that I hated every part of humanity
But let me continue: I see the general degradation of humanity almost everywhere I look. Provocative media pollutes the minds of people, allowing them to think that beer, smoking, and sex is required to be “in.”
I see violence among humans all in the world. You have your traditional, open violence like armed conflict and ethnic cleansing. But there are other kinds of violence: there is treachery, like corruption in politics (especially in Korea, I hear, in my mother country all seven presidents have left office without honor), backstabbing (that’s the reason why I’m moving) and assassination (happens alla time in Iraq). There is hatred, be it plain loathing towards the unbearable, racial, and religious (I suffer from hatred as well, I’m afraid). There is deception: cover-ups by Stalinist governments to keep its people in invisible prisons.
By this point I’m sure you’re thinking, “What a hypocrite. He preaches the faults of humanity and thinks he can raise himself up by listing them when he in fact suffers from the same things humans do.” Well, people, *shrugs* I’m human, too, in case you forgot about that. I fall prey to the same vices I have mentioned here. So how do I defend my position without resorting to escapism?
My sole wish is to improve the human condition. Instead of simply hating it and turning to draconity as a way to escape the problems around me, I want to do whatever I can to restore the dignity humanity is entitled to. THAT is the reason why I am dragon.
But what can a callous, ignorant and slightly insane 15-year-old do? There are more than 6 billion people in the world, how can I improve their lives?
I try to lead by example. Being honest as often as possible, shunning the lust-ridden media America gorges herself on, deploring the savagery man shows for his fellow man.
However, I lie from time to time, and I have frequent fits of bloodlust. My mind is chaotic; it could be perky as over-seltzered water, the next it could wonder if it could eviscerate someone with a straw. As I said, I’m not perfect. So I like getting a little help from time to time.
Enter religion. I’ve seen too many cases where dracanthropes have renounced their Christian faith because God didn’t turn them into a dragon or because they found no solace in what they interpret in what they call a human construct.
Well, let’s put it this way: Because I am Catholic, I believe in God. And according to Catholic dogma, humans were a divine construct. Was it like God said one day, “Oh, I invented these humans, but I’m not going to believe they exist anymore.” He did, once. The Great Flood. Recorded in five civilizations, vastly different in culture and location. Imagine how humans continually forget about God. Even though God is divine, the act of forgetting is one to be treated with abhorrence.
Oh. Some give up religion because religion conflicted with being dragon. I asked my youth group leader on if it was okay to believe in dragons, and she said that it was fine to do so. Now, if the belief was satanic in nature or if I worshipped dragons instead of God, then THAT’D be a problem. I realize that Protestant beliefs are different from Catholic beliefs, but I can’t think of a reason why dragons would be purely evil. It’s like saying that humans are completely good. Two-tone perception disease has infected our society. Humans are neither good nor evil, nor are dragons the same. I refer you back to my previous statement: Humanity is NOT completely corrupt.
So what can I do as a Christian? I can confess my sins to the Father, I can ask for guidance, I can learn about how to help others. Religion, folks, is a gift. It is one of the things that redeem humanity. Martin Luther King Jr. (preacher, folks) Mother Teresa. Mel Gibson, if you really wanna. His movie made me cry: Can you imagine someone loving you THAT much to undergo all that suffering? It was beautiful.
Ah, and if you’re yelling at me because I forgot Jesus Christ: he’s not exactly human, folks. He was a god in spirit, but human in body. Just like how I’m a dragon inside, but still human.
The reason draconity means so much to me is because it’s my core being. Draconity represents what I stand for: raising others and myself above the muck that has engulfed humanity. It’s awfully hard to step back from the rat race and then taking in everything from a distance, and I’m sure that I’ve messed up somewhere. I’ve decided that I’m a dragon because I feel like I’m different.
Your idea of draconity sounds really cool! Can I be a dragon, too?
I’m sorry, couldn’t help it. I know almost NO ONE’S gonna ask me that question. In all honesty, that question’s going to be different for different people. Some people I know feel like they’re werewolves, or orcas, or cats, or WHATEVER. *sticks thumb up* What? Is it like you need my permission to be a dragon? NO! You’re already whatever you think you are. You just haven’t been aware of it as it hibernated in your sub-conscious. There’s no need to ask, just be. It can certainly entertain you, but it can also make you reflect. NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let anyone put you down or look at you funny because you’re a gryphon inside. You can tear him to pieces in your imagination (although this rant has been concerned with the condemnation of violence). I have a good friend who doesn’t know EXACTLY what she is, but she’s content knowing that she’s not human.
The point is, you can be anything you want to be. Soar in the clouds, swim in the deeps, prowl the forests, run in the open plains. Fear no persecution, accept no suffering.
If you’re still reading, congratulations! You have braved the convoluted paths of my thoughts. Treat yourself to some hot chocolate and cookies. Or perhaps have some raw meat. ;)
Hyun | 
